The Virtue of Erotic Love by Robert C. Solomon rejects much of the preeminent philosophical literature concerning romantic love and its nature, and redefines it as something virtuous, which exists outside of ethical concerns and is the reconciliation of Christian concepts of love as devotion and faith and the natural and “pagan” conception of love as sexuality. Solomon offers his definition of true romantic love as an emotion and desire of a shared identity with the object of one’s romantic desires. He also states that one of the key aspects of romantic love is that it defines, determines, and makes obvious one’s true “self,” and goes so far as to say that “Love is just this determining of selfhood.”
It would be foolish to deny that a romantic partner does not typically have a strong and mostly accurate conception of who their partner is, and that most people would strive to be the person that they present to their lover, and be the person their lover thinks they are. However, people have different “selves” that are presented to different people or in different situations. Solomon acknowledges this, and also acknowledges people’s typical position on these selves, that they are not “real,” and that their real self is the one they present to their romantic partner. I however take a different position, that there is no one “true” self, and that every self that one may present in different situations is in fact as true of a self as any other.
There are many reasons why people deny that many aspect of their self are not their “true” self. No one would like to believe that their true self is the one that they present to their co-workers, or the one they assume when dealing with disliked relatives. People would much rather assume that their true self is the one that exists when they are with their closest friends and especially with their romantic partners, the self that makes these people we care about care about us in turn. However, though we for these less than ideal selves not to be our true selves, this does not make these selves any less true. In my view, every one of our selves is our true self in the instance that it is being presented. Take, for example, a salesman. The salesman has a self, the self they presents to clients, a likely unsavory persona concerned with nothing but making a sale. While the salesman would not like to think that this persona is his true self, while he is working, it is. His mannerisms, ways of thinking and speaking, and personality are entirely different, and this self is his true self at the time. However, the moment they call their spouse or romantic partner instead of a potential sale, their true self changes. Neither of these selves are false, they simply exist separately and in different situations.
Regardless of whether or not there exists one true self, most people would consider the self they exude when they are with the ones they love as the most true. The question arises of what makes this self be perceived as more true than any other selves. I believe that the most important reason is that people care about why the people who love them love them for, and that they perceive that they are loved for the self that they present to their lovers. It would be unlikely for someone to fall in love with our salesman when they have assumed their business self, but they would be loved for the self they exist as with their romantic partner or someone they wish to enter into a relationship with. Therefore, since this self is the one considered best by their romantic interests, it is the one they consider best themselves and the one they would most like to consider their true self. Another major reason is the openness of self that accompanies a romantic relationship. The self that exists in a relationship is one that is more in tune with one’s deepest thoughts, desires, memories, etc. The salesman persona would never exist beyond the shallow and superficial aspects of a person's life, while the self that exists with a romantic partner is much more intimate. The romantic self being more linked with deeper elements of a person’s being leads to it being considered the true self, as it incorporates emotions and feeling that other selves do not.
Regardless of whether or not there exists one true self, most people would consider the self they exude when they are with the ones they love as the most true. The question arises of what makes this self be perceived as more true than any other selves. I believe that the most important reason is that people care about why the people who love them love them for, and that they perceive that they are loved for the self that they present to their lovers. It would be unlikely for someone to fall in love with our salesman when they have assumed their business self, but they would be loved for the self they exist as with their romantic partner or someone they wish to enter into a relationship with. Therefore, since this self is the one considered best by their romantic interests, it is the one they consider best themselves and the one they would most like to consider their true self. Another major reason is the openness of self that accompanies a romantic relationship. The self that exists in a relationship is one that is more in tune with one’s deepest thoughts, desires, memories, etc. The salesman persona would never exist beyond the shallow and superficial aspects of a person's life, while the self that exists with a romantic partner is much more intimate. The romantic self being more linked with deeper elements of a person’s being leads to it being considered the true self, as it incorporates emotions and feeling that other selves do not.
